Remember when the Christmas Shopping/Decorating Season began the day after Thanksgiving? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Growing up you knew mom and the girls would be fighting the crowds at the mall bright and early and dad and the boys would be in the attic, then on the roof. Or in Clarby's case (Martha) you could be doing either of the two but more than likely you'd be on the couch eating turkey sandwiches and playing video games.
Maybe its an attempt to jump start the economy or because America is pushing hard to really make Christmas in July but Christmas has started really f*cking early this year. Clarby's talking premature at its best, moreso than the awkward kid in American Pie. It would be one thing if the season of giving had started early, last Clarby heard his married friends still haven't had that once a year oral stimulation. Sure the "Christmas Spirit" is supposed to be within each of us all year round. But that is clearly not the case as many spouses male and female have yet to partake or really grasp the concept. Worst part is you've got places like Target, Walmart, Electrique Boutique, etc that really dictate the season. Thankfully they don't control the radio stations as Clarby has yet to hear the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's version of "Carol of the Bells."
Between the super-stores and the internet, Christmas just isn't what it used to be. Remember the huge a$$ Sears Catalog? Yes you do, don't lie. Whether its the toy section, the tool section or the lingerie section for those of you that were teens before Victoria came about, it was the greatest literature all year. You and your siblings would find a sharpie or different color pens and fold back pages and circle things you wouldn't ever need in a 1000 years and after hours of looking at the catalog convinced yourself you must have them. Now you can go to most any site on the web and click add to Christmas list or wish list and it just doesn't seem half as fun? Nor does sending the list out electronically. Its another example of technology sh*tting on childhood.
Clarby believed in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, the Hebrew Hammer, gnomes, lip-stick lesbians and fairy tales until just recently. Thankfully he found out the way he did and not the way his buddy did. Poor guy saw his mom doing naughty things with Santa Claus and then a few weeks later she was doing things with the Tooth Fairy, he ran away before Easter...
Clarby is curious as to why we have the season of "thanks" before the season of "giving?" Who designed these seasons? Self, get Mr. Hallmark on the phone.
Coming Soon: Metabolism 101
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