Trick or treat? You've been warned.
Hopefully you live in an area that has a large amount of trick or treaters. Here are the guidelines to dealing with them, if you choose to do so. If you choose not, remember while it is not a government supported right it is "trick or treat." If you have no treat to offer you should expect some form of vandalism or trick.
Well Clarby, we wouldn't want that so please help us out. Tangent, do you remember those old Disney cartoons with Goofy showing us how to do something and the narrator dictating his actions? These Halloween posts should be read in that fashion and you should picture Goofy performing them. End tangent.
So you've decided to play along, great. You'll need to decide just how into Halloween you want to get. Will you decorate the yard? What about the house? Will you answer the door in costume, perhaps try to scare the children, or some of you cougars will you try and seduce them? Sure it's wrong but Clarby knows it happens (don't ask). Will you pretend not to know who or what they are, or purposely insult the annoying neighbor kid by asking if he is Gumby when he is clearly dressed as a cactus? Will you challenge the little hooligans by making them bob for apples? There are decisions that must be made.
Random insert, if you decide not to partake in any way please discontinue reading future blogs as Clarby doesn't care much for people that do not enjoy Halloween. Please return to your room and empty another bottle of Jergen's hand cream.
It's candy time. Don't be that person that tries to make Halloween healthy. Fruits and vegetables while generous and quite scrumptious at times are not a part of the treating experience. They can be a very important part of the tricking experience, be it Fozzy Bear style or crammed up one non-candy dispensing persons' cram hole. Keep them in the kitchen or the bedroom.
So CANDY. What kind? How much? Do they get to select? Does Clarby select for the treater? Must they ask politely? Can you strike a treater? Must they perform a dog and pony show? What is a dog and pony show? Should they do a Kansas City Shuffle?
Its a blindfold kickback type of a game
Called the Kansas City Shuffle
Whereas you look left and they fall right
Into the Kansas City Shuffle
Its a they-think you-think they you don't know
Type of Kansas City hustle
Where you take your time
Wait your turn
And hang them up, and out to dry*
You spin me right round baby, right round
Like a record baby, right round round round**
Go to Sams or Costco or if you must go to Walmart, you will need to purchase the massive 20 pound variety bags with the mini sized bars. Not the super mini but the medium mini bars/boxes/bags. Know that parents will/should be inspecting their children's candy when they get home. So get types you would want to remove from your child's bag (for being unsafe of course) when they come home. Purchasing the candies you find at Grandma's house in the dish that have been there since before you were born is unacceptable. Allow the children to select one or two of their favorites and have them move along to the next house. It is acceptable to take pictures of funny costumes or treaters you know, as long as they are not used in any pedophiliac manner.
If you are unable to be home you may leave candy on the step. Do not leave a note that says take one or take a few as children today can't read. Well okay, they can read but they don't care. Claiming to not be home is another story. If you were to leave a large cauldron of candy on the front step and a note reading, "Please take one, beware of Dog and Ninjas," and then hid in the trees to spook any violators, that would be okay too. You should have stopped reading in the Goofy narrator voice by now. Back to dressing as Ninjas and hiding in the trees. Spooking the children, especially the naughty children is an accepted practice. Don't over spook them, just a little fright.
What are the hours of operation for tricksters and treaters? The younger crowd starts out just before dusk. These are the adorable children with their parents who are generally easily frightened. The next group are the siblings whose parents might wait in the car or at the end of the sidewalk. These are also good treaters. After dusk the treaters and tricksters tend to blend together. Few parents are out at this time. Around 9 or so most of the treaters have called it a night and are back at their command posts for the night stuffing their faces with their scores and watching movies they probably shouldn't watch. No not like Skinamax, but more the likes of Freddy, Jason, Mr. Bean, etc you know, the ones that just creep you out. By around 9:30 it's just tricksters and it is safe to turn out the lights, leave candy on the porch and get to any party or sexy time you have planned.
Never step on a flaming bag.
* Lyrics from J Ralph's song "Kansas City Shuffle"
**Lyrics from Dead or Alive's song "You Spin Me Right Round"
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