Last night after watching one of Chevy Chase's finer works, Nothing But Trouble, Clarby realized that Halloween is just around the corner. Being that this is Clarby's favorite week of the year he has decided to do a week of helpful tips to make this years Halloween the best yet. Why does Clarby want to do this 3 weeks before Halloween? Why not? If one waits until the week of someone will be disappointed. And by someone Clarby, means whoever sleeps next to you in bed.
Yes, Halloween is for the lovers, the lusters, the teases, the sweet tooths, it's for the big chested, fake chested, itty bitty titty chested and for the macho, the nerdy, the young and the old. Halloween is for everyone and when done right it's a week of naughty fun nights.
Today Clarby will cover appropriate costumes and how to select the right one. There are a few rules regarding Halloween as well.
1.) Couples may dress as opposites only if it is funny.
1a.) It must be very funny.
2.) Singles may go as opposites when trying to court someone they know will be wearing the opposite.
2a.) Know that failing to court aforementioned opposite can lead to an awful night.
3.) If you are trying to dress for your spouse, it is acceptable to wear an overly revealing costume or a costume that you know they will dig even if you don't have the body for it or will be ridiculed by others because you are doing it for someone you care very much for.
3a.) This is the only week a year this is acceptable in public.
4.) If you are invited to a party you must go in costume.
4a.) There are no excuses.
5.) If you take someone home, they will not look like the person they did the night before.
6.) If you paint your face know that the makeup rubs off... on others... on pillows... etc.
6a.) This can hinder the ability to have fun.
6b.) On the other hand really good makeup jobs can also increase the chance of the Halloween Hookup
7.) Costumes done in poor taste, such as victims of tragedies or what not have high risk associated with them but highest reward if pulled off.
7a.) Humor can be found in everything but dressing up as someone's dead relative might not be cool.
8.) Remember if you take someone home or to a dark corner they will not look the same the next morning, Clarby cannot stress this enough.
9.) Halloween is on a Friday this year.
9a.) Catch up on sleep Monday and Tuesday night.
Onto costumes suggestions.
Children 8 - 13 should be allowed to go as whatever they wish. Boys 14 and up, same. Girls 14 and up should not. Hear Clarby out, he is not being sexist here. Remember that this is your daughter and you are her parent or legal guardian and are responsible for her safety. So while she may hate you for not letting her dress skanky and slutty or whatever you have every right to not let her go out. She can make up for it when she's in college or not living under your roof. Children 3 and under can offer suggestions if they are able or you can dress them in whatever cute outfit you want. Which leaves us with children 4 - 7. There are two options that are acceptable for both boys and girls in this age group. Thing 1 or Thing 2. That is it.
Moving along.
Is your man a Star Wars nerd? Or did he grow up in the 80's? Chances are he fantasized about this costume and you will not be disappointed in the night that comes from wearing it. Please note that if you wear this costume you will be asked to pose for pictures and perhaps have conversations where you have no idea what is going on. Wear this costume at your own risk. Reward value for pulling it off A .
Are you voluptuous with enticing eyes? Do you really get into a good scary movie? Does your guy/girl have a thing for that bad girl type? For 364 days out of the year you are a shy girl but for 1 night you want to be the center of attention and take charge? Then Elvira is for you. Every man, boy, tranny that likes beer, Halloween and women has wanted to have a night with her. Big chested women wear with confidence. Reward for pulling it off A.
Does your man like men? Are you a guy who enjoys the shock value of a costume? Or are you a guy who's just really into himself? Take a page out of the Rocky Horror Picture Show and make his night special with this costume. If you can do a song and dance even better. This costume is extremely risky and requires you are out with people you are comfortable with as well as being somewhere you feel safe. Reward for pulling it off A.
Perhaps you are a bit more conservative. Do you have great skin or really enjoy eye makeup? Or maybe your just a really big fan of walking like an Egyptian? Cleopatra says I'm classy but I'm really just a rich nymphomaniac. Fairly easy to pull off and can be worn with confidence by all. Reward for pulling it off B .
Do you have that perfectly tone body? Is your man a sports nut? Did you always want to be that girl in high school? You did, umm well you should probably get over that and move on with your life, but few costumes will turn heads like dressing up as a Dallas Cowboy's cheerleader. If you live in the state of Texas know that there will be a lot of these and that judgments will be harsh if you don't pull it off. If you've got great legs, a nice backside, flat stomach and can create cleavage then wear away! Reward for pulling it off A-.
Perhaps you yourself are into Super Heroes, or you look really good in skirts. Maybe you just really likes capes or red boots. If so Wonder Woman or Supergirl will not disappoint. Flat abs and a great behind even better. Reward for pulling it off A-.
Do you secretly wish you could turn back the clock? Do you think you are that cool hip mom? Do you live vicariously through your teenage daughter? Maybe you enjoy taking almost revealing photos of yourself with your camera phone? Perhaps your spouse is into the girls that look really young? While Clarby strongly advises against being with someone like that unless you know they would never act on it, perhaps Hannah Montana is for you. Risk factor high. Pedophile factor very high. Reward for pulling it off, you should be jailed!
These are just a few ideas. If you want to do something else, sure that's okay, just do it right, don't half a$$ it. Original is always a plus. The greatest costume Clarby has ever seen was in college by a lovely krx girl, Tragedy Anne, a variation of Raggedy Anne. Clarby loves Halloween so if you have questions or an idea you want to run past please email away.
Coming Soon: What candy should I hand out?
3 Comment(s).
Don't thank me, Clarby - you received the most votes for the award, and since majority votes are what determine the winner.... Well, you obviously have a lot of people who really dig your place. 
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