1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

I believe there are three people that this could have been. 
1) a descendant of my buddy Mattloaf 
B) A very disturbed and sexually frustrated women who was like hmm I wonder if this is like when I suck on my partners…  The conversation with her girlfriends following this would have been amusing
3) A teenager who had just realized what tugging on his penis does and thought to himself gee that animal has a bunch of little things hanging down from it, wouldn’t it be funny if they all shot like mine? (It should be noted that these are udders and not in fact penises)  I can’t explain why he would then proceed to drink what came out

2. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat? 

I like to imagine this setting is used by the crazy cat ladies of the world.  They look like they would enjoy some nice crispy burnt toast with some peach marmalade on it.

3. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? 

This one is easy; obviously he doesn’t like the smell of your breath.  I suggest eating some parsley and then trying again.  Ever notice dogs smell their own farts and lick their ass?!

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? 

Because Jimmy was a mentally unstable child, he made the song up himself and kept singing it all the while continuing to crack corn in hopes that finally his parents would care.  Jimmy was neglected and starved for attention.  He later became addicted to crack and came up with a new song “Jimmy smokes cob to pay for crack jimmy smokes cob to pay for crack but his crackwhore’s gone away… it just wasn’t as catchy and he died in a pile of his own feces at the age of 19

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

Yes, the carpool lane rules state more than one body, they do not state whether it be alive or not.  This may vary from state to state but being that you have a police escort I am sure the officers would not pull you over. 

6. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? 

The professor is a scientist and not a carpenter or shipbuilder.  Obviously though there has to be something else at play here, I mean surely amongst all of them they should have been able to come up with something that could seal the hole in the boat.  It’s clear that they were not trying to get off the island but yet get off while on the island.  They were trapped on the island with a couple beautiful women and one really sexually frustrated older woman.  You think Gilligan or the skipper could pull that kind of ass back on shore?  Not a chance.  And as for the women, they were trapped with a good looking professor and a millionaire and then two really bad one night stands…  I’m sure they weren’t in too much of a rush to get back either.

7. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? 

I point to my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is. I think more people should and I think more people should do the potty dance afterwards.  People don’t smile enough and I know I laugh whenever I see someone do the potty dance.  They get so much jubilation out of a successful potty attempt that they feel like dancing.  If I were at any restaurant and some one came out of the bathroom and just broke into a little jig/wiggle I might pee myself and break into a potty dance as well.  I point to the sun when I ask for time.  Maybe people should start pointing to random things like their nose when asking for time just to get that look of confusion on the other person’s face.  You know like fucking with the person at taco bell by asking for the happy fun pack and pointing to a random place on the menu stating it’s right there.  Then after a couple minutes of them talking with their manager and searching the menu you just ask for a cheeseburger and they tell you they only have tex mex and you say yeah sure a pizza will be fine…

8. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway? 

I’m stumped here because I don’t have an OB-GYN and I would disappoint them if they were to try and get me in the stir-ups and use the duck billed cold metal thingy that looks scary as hell!!!  I guess it’s to lure you into a sense of comfort, like when my doctor is finishing up my visit and we’re talking about my upcoming exciting plans and then I hear a rubber glove slap and the jar to the Vaseline bottle close…  He totally lulls me into alright the visit’s over and then the dreaded words, oh yeah there’s just one more thing”…  Thankfully I’ve yet to have this visit, but I hear horror stories

9. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 

Isn’t it obvious?  Pluto likes it from behind!  He likes being bent over and walking on all fours, he’s also into S&M because he is submissive and wears a collar and enjoys having mice, ducks and other animals tell him what to do.

10. What do you call male ballerinas? 

Richard Simmons or fairies…  Actually I think they are technically called ballerino’s or danseurs

11. Can blind people see their dreams? 

This is a trippy question!  How fucked up would that be?  But then again what would their dream be like if they couldn’t see, would it just be dark and you hear and smell stuff?  I’m going to lose sleep over this one

12. Why ARE Trix only for kids? 

I think the kids part is speaking of the metaphorical kid that exists in all of us but also in that they are clearly not for rabbits.  I mean have you ever seen a rabbit go to the pantry get the box of trix out, get a bowl, get the milk, pour the milk and sit down to dine?  I sure as shit have not, but I’d like to.

13. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Because the road runner was annoying as shit always surprising him and fucking his shit up and beep beeping in his face.  I’d have gone broke too trying to fry that fucker up.  And when I finally did it might just have been one of the greatest moments in my life.  However severe depression would set in like that guy that lost on American gladiators last week failing to achieve for the second time his life long dream of become a champion.  I mean Wylie what would you do with the rest of your life?

14. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker?'

Because he is a shady bastard and it is not wise to let others handle your money.  I don’t trust brokers.  There is no bitterness here because I used to be one and they tried to use my broker number in illegal trading activities.  I think a better name for them would be money handler person.  Why is the person that helps you at a bank called a teller? 

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? 

Testical!  Best question yet I want to see the high school kid who retorts with that to his professor. 

16. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong? 

Well let’s analyze this situation a bit more.  Why is the man in the forest?  Why is he talking?  Why is he not around a woman? And what would make us think he could possibly be correct?  Chances are he is up to no good.  I mean I’m no national park expert but why would a man go to a forest in the first place?  Why would a woman go to one?  He’s clearly in the wrong state of mind and could be senile…  I would proceed with caution.  The only time I ever went down to the forest was the day the teddy bears had their picnic.  However I went on so many fucking bear hunts with Aunt G (Not related to Warren) that I have nightmares of forests and bears now.  Bears Ron, you hear that?

17. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if there is a 'wet paint' sign somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

Because you are a dumbass!  Who touches wet paint signs?  I’ve got a stamp and a sign you can wear around and touch all you want, let me know which you prefer.

18. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? 

Like the testical question, I like this way of thinking, but actually no, morality comes from Aesop’s fables.

19. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse? 

The computer would be a distant second

20. Why do the alphabet song and 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' have the same tune?

First yes I just said the alphabet song and then followed it with twinkle twinkle and sure enough they do.  I’m sure if we made all children’s songs have the same tune they would learn them all faster because they are familiar with that tone/tune.  They are kids for crying out loud.  Why don’t we ask why every Puff Daddy song sounds like songs from other people?  Hmmm

21. Why hasn’t Britney Spears’ uterus fallen out?

I cannot explain this one