Things everyone should know: 1. Bringing guns to work is only wise if they are required in your job description. 2. Who dat? is not English, it should not be celebrated. 3. Pulling out is not an effective birth control method. 4. Chicken Filet, please see number 2. 5. If you're not the boss, you have only yourself to blame. 6. If you aren't where you want to be in life, you also have only yourself to blame. 7. If cold weather was good for you, your tits wouldn't get hard and your balls and penis wouldn't shrink when exposed to it. 8. A math class I once took taught me that 50% is not equal to 1. Therefore you are not the first of something if you are not 100% the thing you say you are. 9. Supermaning that wh*re is also not effective birth control. 10. Words mean nothing without action 11. The participants of 2 girls 1 cup should only be allowed to work in the sanitation industry. 12. If you are going to be working for me, I should be allowed to ask you whatever I want. How you react or respond is your choice. 13. Bird is the word 14. Girls that show a lot of cleavage are not always sluts. Many of them are dealing with serious self-confidence issues. Stops staring. 14a. If you have fake tits, you're going to be stared at, there's nothing I can do about it and don't think for a minute that anyone believes that was not your intent. Surgically enhanced breasts serve no practical purpose. 14b. Titty f*cking is not a practical purpose. 15. If you do something stupid, you should be ridiculed for it. 16. Mr./Mrs. professional athlete and or Mr./Mrs. celebrity, our jacked up society made you rich because you entertain us. Please don't share your thoughts with us. 17. College football bowls are not the government's business. 18. Petitioning for a city other than D.C. to host the Olympics, abortion and gay marriage are also none of the government's business. Last I checked we had a separation of the church and the state in this country. 19. I could be wrong. 20. I'm rarely wrong. 21. I am not a European American or a Euro American or any other combination, I am just an American. I'm also white and if you call me white, whitey or anything of the likes that's fine. Right now, pasty would be an acceptable alternative.
Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Mad Cow Disease, AIDS, what have you. Clarby doesn't know the scientific details behind these an other illnesses nor does he care what bullsht*t the government tries to feed us about them. Clarby is going to level with you and tell you what the government is afraid to say. If people would stop f*cking animals we wouldn't have to worry about this sh*t. Simple, don't have sex with an animal and we won't have to worry about this crap.
Well Clarby what if someone can't have sex with something other than an animal? Take out the heater from the gun rack in the back of your truck and put two in your head. No no, don't do that. The government needs to legalize prostitution. Then there is no excuse. Surely there are prostitutes that look like animals or will dress up like animals for these perverted people. See, we kill a few birds with one stone. No more animal viruses, we create a whole mess of jobs and generate taxible incomes. Hell we even free up some space in the overly crowded jails. I mean come on, come on
This country is doomed for gloomy times as long as there are parents willing to exploit their children for financial gains. Too many parents want their children to be the next big name in Hollywood no matter how short the stint in the spotlight is. I haven't done the research but its not rocket scientists or doctors that exploit their children either. It's my favorite type of people! Those with "class". Case in point the Spears Family. Such quality people they are. America has this sick obsession with trash. Trash can be fun to play with every once in a while. It makes you feel better because at the end of the day you're pretty sure you are better than it. It is clearly dirty and has been cast aside for a reason. America needs a new hobby, a healthy hobby. Perhaps a hobby that doesn't involve reading my site or anything on the internet. Looking at porn is included in that even though very little reading is done. I'm digressing from the exploitation I was going to write about. Lil Maxso, known for years as the youngest rapper. For whatever reason he came to mind today. Watch the picture compilation as he raps about upsetting teens. Sure he's taken pictures with some of Hollywood's finest, and he has probably somehow made more money than most people I know, but come on. The kid sounds like he's on a helium tank. It's not talent. It's a scam just like that "video" I was asked to produce last month.
So a guy got you to take your clothes off for a few pictures. That does not make you a model. Nor did it when he left an envelope on the dresser by the bedroom door full of money. That makes you a whore. I'll take a moment to let that sink in. Lovely weather we're having today in Dallas. Overcast, nippy, scattered showers. I didn't even go to weather school. Clarby just looked out his office window and told you what he saw. What's that? Meteorologists are con-artists? Yeah they are, right next to life coaches.
Has it sunk in yet? Good. So some guy was smooth. He told you you were pretty and he'd love to photograph you, he's an aspiring photographer and you could really help launch his career. He may have even shown you some of his other work. And the money, that was because you were such a good model. And the way he made you feel when he took the pictures, you just got so turned on you had to have sex with him. You're a fool, nothing more. He is smooth with a side of sneaky. An elaborate scheme to get you into bed taken to very drastic levels.
When it does make you a model is when he posts the pictures on a website and releases the video to an amateur porn site. You then become one of thousands of other slutty amateur porn stars! You are a nude model, perhaps an escort.
For years Clarby has watched people make their coffee in the morning and carry it to work. He watches his roommate do it every morning. While watching aforementioned roommate make his coffee this morning, Clarby decided he would put his Dr. Pepper in a travel mug and pretend he too, was a real grown up. Unfortunately Clarby finished it well before getting to work. Thinking it to be a sign Clarby decided to bring the cool travel mug inside and try coffee today. Clarby sat at his desk nervous to walk into the kitchen and make his first cup. His boss walked in and said, “who made the coffee this morning?”
Curious to know what was wrong with it Clarby asked, “why?” Thinking that perhaps it was bad and this was my sign to not drink it. He said, “no, it is just overflowing and spilling all over the floor.”
This too must have been a sign, it was over flowing. Clarby needed to make a cup, because there was too much. So Clarby walked into the kitchen, holding his cool mug and poured a cup. Now for some cream, Clarby looked for the cream, there was no cream. Okay, maybe some milk... Where the f*ck is the milk, he thought. Okay, well lots of sugar will have to do then. Clarby found nothing. (Like every night he ever went to a bar looking for tail). So Clarby carried his black coffee in the cool travel mug to his desk and asked a colleague, “where is the sugar and the milk stuff for the coffee?”
He laughed, “you bring your own or you drink it black.” He then turned his cup of black coffee up and chugged it.
Have you ever had black, straight up coffee???? Clarby thinks he will stick to his Dr. Peppers.
Many people believe today to be a historic day and it is. Clarby is excited about it. But Clarby would like to take time to express his gratitude to President George W. Bush. Clarby is more than a pen-name and a guy to laugh with or at. He's actually a hard working, fairly intelligent and extremely caring person. Everyone has their own perception of the last 8 years and this is Clarby's. During President Bush's first year in office Clarby lost his virginity. That's kind of big, not sure how it involed the President, but it happened under his watch, so thank you. During that same year September 11th took place, within a few weeks of that his grandmother died and his best friend suffered serious injuries. President Bush's actions and encouragement seemed to calm his anxieties and helped him cope. Thank you for your guidance. During your term the Red Sox won the World Series twice, you don't know the joys those victories brought me. Clarby managed to graduate from a real college in four years. Yes, it happened, not sure how but it did. After graduating Clarby landed a job with a brokerage company where he passed his Series 7. Not liking the industry he moved to take an incredible job in the Legal Field. During your 2 terms Clarby has made more money every single year. Clarby has taken a tour of the White House and been able to realize how much you have to deal with every day. Moreso than everyone else. And that you do it with everyone watching you and judging you. That leaves Clarby in a state of awe and wonder. Clarby can't do much with people watching him. It's hard enough trying to figure out where to eat everyday, let alone deal with real problems. So today, as President Elect Obama takes office and you sign off, Clarby would like to thank you for everything you have done to help make his life better. Clarby realizes that he is really the only person that controls his day to day actions and choices but President George W. Bush you have helped give peace of mind and been a rock during hard times. For someone that battled self-confidence issues, you have been an example that it doesn't matter what others may think. Doing what you believe is right and best is not an easy thing and your actions and decisions over the last 8 years deserve so much more than a thank you. You will forever have my respect and gratitude and I hope that one day I can shake your hand and say thank you in person.
"They hit Buddy, let's get 'em girls..."* So the news is a couple months old but being the proud owner of every season of Charles in Charge it was quite sad to read this morning. Buddy Lembeck (Willie Aames), the goofy best friend that Clarby relates much of his life to, attempted to take his very own life on Thanksgiving. He stabbed himself several times with a knife after going through several hardships. I know very little about Buddy, he could be an addict of some sort, an abusive husband, a speeder, who knows. How did this receive so little news? Heath Ledger has dominated the headlines for months now, where was the output of support for Buddy? He's not good enough? He's not talented? What?
You've all heard of restless leg syndrome right? It's one of the side effects of medications out there. Well has anyone heard of restless arm syndrome? This is different than wondering hand syndrome. That's where your hands just kind of roam, grope, play with whomever is in your bed. Restless arms has more to do with your arms just not being able to relax when you are trying to sleep. Anyone have this or heard of it? Apparently it's like a big thing and lots of people suffer from it and by lots I know of at least one person. Well to cope with it they don't prescribe anything they just tell the patient to keep the muscles in their arms tight... Yes, stiff like an erection. The problem is most noticable when one is sleeping so how do they suggest one makes sure they do this? Through pillow cases or rope... Sounds kind of S&M right? You can either deal with it, place your arms in a pillow case or tie your arms to something so they remain in the same position... Okay, that is ridiculous and would look absolutely crazy and since everything is about looks won't work. Imagine coming home and seeing a loved one with their arms in pillow cases or having them ask you to tie them to the bed for non-sexual reasons? (Side note, if any of you all have come home to this please take a picture) What an awful thing to suffer from.
Clarby really feels bad for anyone with this. If we take thie restless body part syndrome and apply it to say the male penis, would the treatment be the same? The arm muscles need to be extended and in a tight position or place... So the restless penis would then need to be in a tight place while in an extended position... Hmmm interesting.
Don't double check, you did start by reading a quote from Blazing Saddles and Buddy Lembeck to RPS, and yes your day is a little bit better now. You are welcome.
*Quote from Blazing Saddles
Coming Soon: Your first cousin's first cousin is what to you?
We'll start off the year clearing a few things up. Any joke about how you haven't seen someone since last year or how it feels like you haven't seen someone since last year or any variation of that joke is lame and the verbalizer deserves to be hit in the face. The only time any variation is accepted is when dealing with children as they might find the humor in it, however they also reserve the right to punch you in any fashion they so choose.
Serious note: Clarby spent sometime at several airports over the last few weeks and it gave him great peace of mind to see so many soldiers and the warm receptions they received from other travelers. American Airlines topped them all though. They upgraded soliders on both my flights to first class. It's a little thing and maybe it is to intimidate possible scumbags when they board the plane but it was a really nice gesture. On an eerie note, soldiers are getting younger and younger (code for I am getting older) there are so many that just a few months ago were boys and now are probably much more of a man than I will ever be. Well that is if one defines manhood by saving lives, sacrificing your own, shooting guns, being able to drink people under the table, etc. ("live for nothing or die for something," thanks John Rambo). In which case there are an awful lot of women more manly than I...
Sticking with the military theme. We know there is missionary position when a couple is having sex but is there military position? If so, what would it be? There are millions of people that feel we need to pull out of our military actions. May I be one of many to remind these people that pulling out has never been an effective method of anything. See teen pregnancy rate or ineffective birth control methods. See Vietnam War. Right, in a weird sick way you know I'm right.
Anyone ever notice that most wedding photographers are overweight? What's up with that? I've got nothing else on the subject, can anyone shed some light on this please? I know a lot of attractive great photographers but they must just be amateur or stick to shooting nudes. There is money to be made and free food/booze. Wait, maybe the current ones used to be and then... ahh, that could explain it!
Took a tour of the White House this weekend. I highly recommend it. Farted in the White House, I highly don't recommend that. All sorts of sensors go off, they take you to a secret room and detox you. It's really embarrassing.
You ever notice that every comedian has one subject that seems to find its way into every joke or story they tell. For some its drugs others race, perhaps politics, values, family, etc. Clarby is far from being a comedian but has noticed that he too has a subject. Sex. Clarby read a book the other day about how a persons' thoughts control their actions.... Wonder what that means? Hmm. I heard that 3 out of 4 people surveyed made up 75% of the group surveyed.
2008 will be remembered for so many things but for Clarby it was the year of the Zinger. What's a zinger? It's when you've been getting abused, your ass has pretty much been handed to you and then out of nowhere you hit the zinger and some how you come out on top. That's been 2008 in a nutshell. Should we recap? Should Clarby give you more confessions? Perhaps revelations? Maybe a few predictions? Or procreations? That's not a word but if it were it'd be big points in Scrabble. Is there an Ebonics version of Scrabble? Perhaps Scrabible?
A brief Recap: The year started watching a dear friend run naked down my parents street with a pink bicycle helmet on and a cummerbund... It only got weirder from there. There was the awkward therapy session: Therapist: Last time we spoke you were discussing your sex life <begins rubbing his thigh> What exactly did you mean by she was sexually gifted? Clarby: Umm... she was, umm gifted... like sexually Therapist: <still rubbing leg> Right, but how was she gifted sexually? What do you mean? Clarby: The b*tch knew how to do things in the bedroom, now look you're creeping me out so I'm going to leave Some sports teams won Championships and lots of teams did not. I can't really remember them off the top of my head so they couldn't have been very memorable. Theme parties, lots of them. Britney is back There was an election I had a few erections There were some financial hardships Random Thoughts: - Pleasure spiked with pain may sound intriguing, it is however not worth the pain part, unless you're inflicting it... (what?) - Enhanced does make them better in many ways - America should have nap time from noon to 2 every day. You can choose to nap, have tea, converse, poke, hunt, whatever - Furnished dwellings are better than unfurnished dwellings - Having sex in a graveyard does not make you a necrophiliac - Having sex with a minor does make you a sick bastard
Somthing to think about next time; why do some people have sex with the lights on and their eyes closed but when the lights are off their eyes are open?
*Cause baby we'll be At the drive-in In the old man's Ford Behind the bushes Till I’m signing for more Down the basement Lock the cellar door And baby Sign dirty to me
You know I text you I text you from my cell phone I’m only hoping that you’re home So I can see you When you sign those words to me And whisper so softly But I can’t hear you
So baby
Sign dirty to me
Clarby was watching The Replacements the other night starring Keanu Reeves as Shane Falco and at the end of the game the tight end, who is deaf ends up with one of the really hot cheerleaders.It’s a given that he went home with her and they enjoyed some adult situations.But he wouldn’t be able to hear her if she were to talk dirty to him…Sure she could do a little striptease or foreplay (whatever that is) but would she have to sign things to him?Is there dirty sign language?I mean surely she wouldn’t hold up her middle finger and then point to herself over and over in place of repeating “f*ck me, f*ck me.”
Cities with real clubs like Vegas, New York, Miami and LA have people known as VIP Hosts.Their job is to make sure that high rollers have everything they need and that they are having a good time.Then the clubs also have promoters who promote the club to the average Joe who wants to be so much more.However, in cities like Dallas a “club promoter” is code for cheap whore.
When out at a dive bar berating the Cowboy’s awful finish to the season it is wise to make sure none of the members of the Cowboys are standing behind you.It is especially wise to make sure the one individual you continue to rip who may be a large man (6’5, 262 lbs) from TN that plays with broken ribs is not near you, while you are wearing a Terrell Owens Eagles jersey, ripping him…A person should be more aware of their surroundings…
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